Do Nurses Make The Worst Patients?

I can’t speak for all nurses, but the ones I’ve looked after have been nothing short of fantastic.

Naturally they have a better understanding of how and why things happen in a hospital, with most having a generous grin and bear it attitude when events don’t go according to plan.

Last but not least, they are quick to give thanks, without prompting, to those that help them during their stay in hospital.

For me, I take the same stance as the ones I’ve spoken about and cared for. But to be honest, I’ve had a few bad moments but this is a direct result of the ailing health system where health professionals do their best under worsening conditions and very tight budgets.

Short waiting times, excellent service, my body explored or punctured by foreign objects as little as possible, not having anything excised and a positive outcome, goes a long way to making my day in hospital as a patient a tip top day.

To date, most of my encounters have been bloody fantastic. But I can tell you here and now that on a very bad day I can be the world’s worst patient due to my own shortcomings and anal fixations. Some of which are mentioned here:

1. Being the biggest chicken in the world.
2. Extremely low pain threshold.
3. An aversion to having needles stuck in me.
4. A critical eye for things being done just right.
5. Growing distaste for having pieces of me removed.
6. Lacking the patience of a saint.
7. Being a nurse I know too much.
8. Always thinking the worst will happen.

Now, without further ado and with nothing better to do than to wallow in my own self-pity, moments of fleeting agony and extreme boredom I will now divert your attention from the above by reminding you to take care of your skin when going out into the sun.

Why? Well, it’s a long story but here goes!

I’m at home on my “Pat Malone” feeling sorry for myself after a recurring superficial nodular basal cell carcinoma (BCC) was surgically removed from my nose on Monday 12 January, 2009.

The BCC, as it’s known, was without a doubt caused by spending decades under the hot Aussie sun without adequate protection.

Thanking God for small and large mercies, I’m extremely happy to announce that I behaved myself quite admirably during the procedure and far removed from being the nurse’s and medical practitioner’s worst nightmare like I have been in the past.

Why? Ten milligrams of oral valium (diazepam) sorted this chicken out, well and truly. Mind you, my preference for excellent pain relief and sedation is “morphine” and “midazolam”.

I will explain the procedure known as “Mohs surgery” in my next post. Why, you may ask? In an attempt to get the message across that sun protection should start from the day someone is born.

“Be warned, the images of my nose will not be to everyone's liking.”

But they will show you the marvellous way my specialist doctor went about re-constructing my poor old nose.

To put you in the picture even further, I’ve had more pieces of me removed than Tom Cruise has had Aussie lamb roasts.

Somewhere, there’s just got to be a room full of little pieces of me. I wonder how they’re going in all that formaldehyde solution? Poor little devils!

The Aussie sun has played havoc with me and I have been paying the price since the age of 27. My worst experience with cancer occurred back in the early 90’s. After my wife located a pigmented lesion on my back I went off to seek advise at a Medical Centre. The doctor informed me that it was most probably a reaction to a insect bite.

Leaving there relieved but still not satisfied I sought a second opinion. This time the advise came back that it was a “melanoma”. It was successfully removed and as you can see I’m still here after having avoided kicking the bucket.

One last thing before I go,

Slip on sun protective clothing, slop on SPF30+ sunscreen and reapply every 2 hours, slap on a broad-brimmed hat, seek shade and slide on wrap-around glasses

whenever you go out into the sun, get your skin checked regularly by a skin specialist and remember the next time you go into hospital:

Give a smile to the hard working nurses and doctors! You never know, they may even smile back!

To be continued…