Suicide
From time to time I’m reminded of when a friend a long time ago, committed suicide by putting the barrel of a .22 calibre rifle to his head and pulling the trigger.
Asked to identify his body back at the hospital, my gaze constantly shifted from his half opened eyes to the small neat hole in his forehead.
Putting my personal feelings to the side for just a moment, I was puzzled as to why such a small hole could have led to his death. Then without a thought I cursed him loud enough for all to hear.
Consoled by hospital staff, I still recall saying. “Why the bloody hell did you have to go and do that? You had so much going for you.”
Only weeks prior, I saw him with his wife and children heading out to collect firewood for their home with his chainsaw, dog and trailer in toe. All seemed happy enough then, so what happened to change all that?
This guy was straight laced, easy going and always quick with a joke and a smile. To tell you the truth I was envious of everything about him. Just goes to show you can’t judge a book by its cover.
Looking back now as I’ve done in the past, “I wonder if anything could have been done to save his precious life?”
Answering my own question; those of us that worked with him didn’t have a clue something was wrong, so most probably not.
Having lost friends well before their time since then, this has hit me the most. Why do I keep recalling this event? Perhaps it’s all part of getting old and reminiscing about the good, the bad and the ugly events that have passed over and through me over the many decades.
To be continued…
Asked to identify his body back at the hospital, my gaze constantly shifted from his half opened eyes to the small neat hole in his forehead.
Putting my personal feelings to the side for just a moment, I was puzzled as to why such a small hole could have led to his death. Then without a thought I cursed him loud enough for all to hear.
Consoled by hospital staff, I still recall saying. “Why the bloody hell did you have to go and do that? You had so much going for you.”
Only weeks prior, I saw him with his wife and children heading out to collect firewood for their home with his chainsaw, dog and trailer in toe. All seemed happy enough then, so what happened to change all that?
This guy was straight laced, easy going and always quick with a joke and a smile. To tell you the truth I was envious of everything about him. Just goes to show you can’t judge a book by its cover.
Looking back now as I’ve done in the past, “I wonder if anything could have been done to save his precious life?”
Answering my own question; those of us that worked with him didn’t have a clue something was wrong, so most probably not.
Having lost friends well before their time since then, this has hit me the most. Why do I keep recalling this event? Perhaps it’s all part of getting old and reminiscing about the good, the bad and the ugly events that have passed over and through me over the many decades.
To be continued…
27 comments - care to make one?:
I can certainly symphathize with you, cursing your friend. I still curse my ex for being a coward and blowing his brains out. Ever more for him having done this on the day before our daughter's birthday and, not doing a proper job of it, he didn't finally die till the afternoon of her birthday. I curse him for only thinking of himself and not how his children would feel. I don't know if I'll ever get over being angry with him about this. :(
I've been fortunate enough not to have known anyone who committed suicide, but I have friends who've gone through it. I suppose people in trouble only ever show others the side they want people to see, and you don't always know what's brewing underneath.
And Moonshadow, I'm so sorry to read that.
I think as we age we do look back more often but I mostly think of the good times which is odd since I am generally quite a pessimistic person and often quite negative. Your friend's death probably had such a big impact on you because of the nature of his death and the questions behind it. Unresolved questions always nag.
In a small country town where I lived (and nursed) during the recession in the early 90's we had way too many suicides of people we knew, hated hearing that the cops were "going up into the pine plantation" or "trains are delayed on the line again".
Nursed psych patients in a small mixed hosp in the 'burbs and lost too many that we got close to.
We get angry because the person rejected our friendship as not important enough to hold them here on earth, that they are no longer a witness to our lives, we can't share another laugh with them.
Peter: First of all I like the changes to your site. Very professional. Well done.
Suicide always perplexes me. My close friend did it. Another close friend's mother did it. Then a close friend's father did it. The son of a guy I knew at work did it. A guy I knew in the military did it. I just don't get it. It seems to me that earthly problems just can't be that big as to cause a person to take their own life.
Happy trails.
Hi Moonshadow. Having gone through this and reliving this memory with your daughter would be too much to bear for most of us. From what I see and read of your life now with family all around you, I hope and pray that this shocking memory will disappear one day.
Take Care,
Peter
Hi Kathy and welcome. I don't know anyone who has not been touched by this sad event. The ones that see no other way out than to take their own lives, leave many of us with a life of unending questions and pain. Life is full of "What ifs" and unfortunately I don't see this changing.
Take Care,
Peter
Hi Windyridge. I think you and I, and no doubt many others, have very much in common as we like to remember the good times rather than the bad. Being pessimistic as well, I hope the many good memories will protect me from sinking further into unimaginable sights that have come my way with others.
Take Care,
Peter
Hi Jayne. Yes, the 90's were bad, with interest rates on loans going through the roof. With many losing their homes and relationships dissolving under this pressure many resorted to desperate acts, I hope what we're and the world is going through now, will soon come good to prevent the same thing happening.
Take Care,
Peter
Hi Swubird and thank you. Many more grey hairs have appeared as a result of trying to get it to look good.
Yes, suicide is hard to fathom especially when there is so much professional and close family support out there. Many are saved but the ones that fall through the cracks often leave us wondering "what if" we could have done something more. All of this is easy enough said though. Perhaps if we lived in their shoes long enough, we'd understand better why they resorted to such desperate measures.
Take Care,
Peter
Hi Again, I really wish I could save this site to hard file some how and show it to your grandchildren when they are older. Your work on here is fantastic and please don't take offence but it amazes me that this stuff comes from my partners father.....oh I hope with time he inherits your gift of expressing his feeling in a way that is understood like you do....I'd also be happy if it skips a generation :)
Hi Anonymous...Hello Possum! Given the scope and longevity of the net, it may well still be there for the grandchildren and perhaps even the great-grandchildren to have a goosey gander at when the time comes.
As you know, I am not gifted with the gift of the gab. Thankfully, that's one thing Stevie-weavy does have, God bless him!
As for writing, it does not come easy especially for me, a hundred times over. For our side of the family, as no doubt you have already found out, expressing oneself properly comes secondary to say, watching the footy or going fishing or working in the garden!
He may have those traits, but I am sure of one thing; he loves you heaps!
Take Care,
Peter
Hey Peter,
I am sorry about your friend. Such a harsh decision to make *nodding*.
If I were in your shoes I would have probably have had the same reaction! I am telling you!!
Seeing a person that is apparently happy and then a week later he does what he does...it must be rather tough! I confess I have never been through that type of situation so, I can't even imagine how you must have felt!
I think, Peter, that comes a time in life when we start recalling things that we even wonder they ever occurred. I don't know, but the past has this thing of sneaking up on us from times to times, mate!
All I can do now is give you a *Big hug*! Cheer up :D!
Take care, my friend
Suicide is one of the saddest events that can touch our lives even from the periphery…the fact that this touches you so much is good…it shows a compassionate heart...it also gives a mere splinter of a glimpse at the despair that can saturate a life to do something like this…
I look forward to the continuation…
Hello Peter!
A childhood friend of mine shot himself in the head also. I don't understand it either. He had wonderful kids, a beautiful home, and was working his way to being a very successful lawyer.
Like you, I think of my friend often. Those thoughts, I've heard, are a form of communication to you from them.
For the life of me I cannot fathom why my old friend would want me to remember the incidents of their demise. One would think the communication would be of the good times.
I've had a recurring idea he could be remorseful. So, I turn those bad or sad thoughts to good memories on my own. Perhaps my doing this helps him, I know it helps me.
Have a good weekend!
Oh Peter this is such a sad topic to talk about. My co-worker did it, typical sign, happy, no worries, working on the home, renovating, eating out. No children in the picture. And I ask why too? He hang himself just like that. I also grew up in the town where suicide was very common, especially for the man to do it. Depression of course...again sad, only God will know. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Peter.
On the happy note, you have a good Easter weekend, all the best to you and your family.
Anna :)
Wow, Moonshadow, how sad. I have know a couple of people that decided to take their own lives, I could never understand their thought processes, especially when they seemed to always be happy, no warning signs.
One doctor in one of these cases said it was the chemicals or the lack of certain chemicals in the person's brain, I forgot the medical term he used, doesn't make it any easier to accept but it takes a little of the pressure off of the ones he left behind who naturally blame themselves.
Hi Max and thank you for your concern and reassurance. I pray that you will never have to face anything like that. I just hope my prayers will be good enough!
The past does indeed have a habit of returning as a friend or at times when we least expect, a foe; like a bolt of lightening or a slap in the face at the most unexpected of times.
Take Care,
Peter
Hi Livingsword and welcome. I think it would be fair to say, that we have all seen the dark side consume our lives at one time or another, be it for a short time or longer than we would like.
What makes someone go that extra step we never really know. With any luck, we will come across them again in another life and talk only about the good times.
Take Care,
Peter
Hi The Muse. If you're right, perhaps they're trying to impress upon us not to do what they have done, to live our days as best we can and by doing this, they are in fact remorseful.
Take Care,
Peter
Hi Anna. Yes, it is a sad topic and one I hope our children will never have to experience.
The majority of suicides I attended to prior and after this have been male as well. Perhaps financial and relationship woes mixed with deep depression and alcohol haven't helped.
If we or others could go back in time to try and change things, would it work? We would like to think so.
To you and your family, have a good Easter weekend as well.
Take Care,
Peter
Hey Peter,
You are most welcome, mate!!
I really do appreciate your prayers: thank you :D!
"The past does indeed have a habit of returning as a friend or at times when we least expect, a foe; like a bolt of lightening or a slap in the face at the most unexpected of times."
Tell me about it, Pete!! And I kid you not when I tell you that today the past knocked on my door *nodding*. I recalled your post and thought that perhaps it was a warning (even though it was not intended that not) to me...go figure!
Have a delightful week and take care, my friend!
Cheers
Hi Bob and sorry for the late reply. I would imagine that for some, hiding their dark side from people they know, even their family, would be second nature after years of keeping their secret close to them.
From what I have found, the chemical imbalance involves Dopamine, Serotonin, Norepinephrine, and GABA (Gamma Aminobutyric Acid). Yes there are treatments, but getting to them in time to correct the imbalance is obviously a hard task, marked with successes or failures on the way to saving a life.
Take Care,
Peter
Hi Max. By the sound of things, the past didn't roll up with a smile! Hopefully you came out on top!
Take Care,
Peter
Pete,
I did :D! Thanks!!
Cheers
To Peter and everyone that has experienced the lost of a love one due to suicide.
"I am sorry for the pain that I see in your eyes and feel in your heart. I ask that you forgive me, but I understand why you cannot. At least not now!" Jrayrice
I take this quote from my book, Thank You for Loving Me, because I had to workout why I was thinking about doing the same.
For me and I have found in others that they are unresolved abandonment issues that have affected our core image of ourselves. Sometimes we give out signs, but they are not always received. I have learned that we must listen with out eyes and heart and not just our ears.
Ask our friends and love ones how we feel even when we look OK. As we all have learn how someone looks is not always how they feel. They can look happy, but maybe that is because we are around and that makes them happy.
It is not your fault and your love ones do not want you to think it was! I hope this will help someone in their healing process.
John
Hi J Ray Rice and welcome. Perhaps the problem of not picking someone up with thoughts of self harm may be due to the fact that we may expect them to resemble someone out of "One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" but this is not always the case, as seen in my encounter here.
Sad lives can mask their negative feelings whilst amongst family, friends and acquaintances whether at home, work or at play socially. Only giving glimpses of their dark side, if they let their guard slip or away by themselves.
Perhaps having feelings of guilt is a way of trying to work out why they took their own lives or that we didn't try hard enough knowing that something was wrong.
Take Care,
Peter
Post a Comment